The NARC Test: Keeping You Safe From Squeelers, Sneaks & Red-Heads Since 2003

Random conversation oftentimes leads to even less-than-normal thinking in this lovely head of mine-- part German, Irish and Native American (says Grandma Pat?), I look like a young Vin Diesel but with more hair (for now), less bulk (ie. I'm faster... probably) and have been in way fewer shitty movies (100% true, even when "The Banana Bread Caper" is factored in).

If you're confused by my intro, don't worry. It makes very little sense. The following, however, may just change (and save!) your life. Without (much) further ado, I present... the NARC Scale. At it's gritty, truth-laden core, the NARC Scale (developed by a doctor of chiropractic, no less-- and no, I'm not referring to myself as I'm simply an F.D.C. for now) is all about promoting debauchery whilst working to eliminate the possibility of a narc ruining everything. Narcs savor the feeling of tattling on the "cool kids," being jerks and walking with limps. They have their own language which only can be understood by persons who wield small amounts of power but that use it as much as possible out of deep seeded insecurity. But I digress.

The NARC Scale will give it's user a simple, cell-phone handy way to analyze newcomers to his or her group of miscreants and hooligans, naysayers and evildoers (just light evil, nothing like a hate crime or kidnapping).

Each letter of NARC stands for a warming sign. If the person in question is positive for 3/4 signs, it's generally understood to be pathognomonic of the said person being a full-on narc. If only 2/4 signs are present, keep them at a safe distance and re-assess at a later date (preferably longer than 2 weeks).

The NARC Scale
N- Nerdish in appearance and mannerisms (Note: Not to be confused with dorkiness, which is cool in the New America)
A- Always goes to church
R- Red hair (Note: More is less, meaning the more red hair the less one can trust him or her)
C- Cry when punched

It would behoove you to save this scale someplace safe and secure. Together, we can work to eliminate the incidence of narcism by a full 55% when the ball drops on 2011. Thanks, inhale deeply and don't bother to write.

Cheers.

~M@