The other day while I was busy making delectible cookies as per usual, I suddenly remembered one the the best things ever: maple leaf cookies! When I was not but a wee lad growing up on the rough and tumble South side of Saint Cloud, I used to eat them all the time. their general make-up: two maple leaf shaped cookies that sandwished amazing maple icing in the middle. I'd let those bad boys float in milk until right before they sank and would thn devour them. In that case, soggy did equal goodness.
I tried buying some right after work, though it was to no avail. It got me thinking... How many awesome things that I had as a kid no longer exist anymore? I've broken it down and compiled a list; someone has to get a committee started to bring these lost treasure back!
Category 1: Cartoons
After having worked at the Boys and Girls Club for 5 summers straight beginning in high school, I know a lot about the current fad cartoons and products. In particular, Pokemon was far and away the most popular thing and good ol' Talahi Elementary (where I worked) right after oxygen and slightly ahead of "accidents." Not only are the cartoons and movies huge, but there are around 31 video games involving Pokemon monsters and even a collectible card game (CCG) that kids spend $Benjamins on just to get holograms and other crap. Good job, Japan, you're ruining our country.
Back in the day, we had classics like Duck Tales, The Rescue Rangers (http://acan12.23.free.fr/rescue/images_index/logo.gif), Fraggle Rock (http://www.flimrigt.se/bilder/2006/03/fragglerock.jpg), G.I. Joe, Tale Spin, Count Duckula, David the freaking Gnome (Swift still rules!), etc. to entertain us. Sam omann sometimes reminded me of Wembley from Fraggle Rock, usually when he was really drunk or really hung over. It was fun. There were morals to the stories and we weren't bombarded with ads for cards or video games or anything-- it was all about the love, man. What the hell has happened here? I would still watch those non-seizure causing cartoons if they were on, but no, they have been set aside to make way for the new era of televison. I'll give you a clue... it sucks.
Category 2: Food + Libations
Dr. Slice was the money melon of soda pop. It was novel, had a sexy can with an orange slice on it that looked as though it was bursting with flavor, and never failed to satisfy (http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/3/37/DrSlice.png). Why the hell was it discontinued? I once saw chocolate flavored pop someplace. If that can exist, why the hell can't Dr. Slice? I am forced to make it myself (57% D.P., 43% Slice) either from cans or by asking for a special blend at Burger Time in Waite Park. Let's just say on one occasion my request was confused for something else and I got a very "special" burger that made me see sounds and taste pictures...
A few other awesome beverages that were ripped from the shelves like the new ticke-Me-Elmo was this Christmas (though not by consumers, but by companies): Crystal Pepsi, Jolt (though I saw it in Ireland in Naas; note: never even tried it, but I respect that it existed), and O.K. Soda. I think my friend and I added about $103 to his phone bill by calling that hotline. What the hell, it was worth it!
Remember Astropops? They were the best. Multi-layered, part candy and part weapon. And totally necessary, especially in today's schools.
Note: Mr. Pibb is dead.
Category 3: Apparrel
Hypercolor shirts were awesome. I don't think anyone, not even the makers, knew what made them work. Still, it was an exciting time for everyone in grade school who was lucky enough to rock one at some point in their elementary tenure. Snap bracelets were fun. So what if they cut a few kids to the bone? They even had one with a zebra pattern. So cool... Wind pants were great, too, though if you went down in gym class, they'd get a hole burned in them and it would sometimes stick to your skin. People also had lightning bolts, lines, etc. shaved into their heads. Hell, I had Michael Jordan's "Jumpman" logo shaved into the back of my head in the 3rd grade. Funny thing is, that was a really solid move for me socially.
Kids today have no chance! They aren't interested in the science behind their clothes (I thank hypercolor over and over again for instilling that in me) and have crappy cartoons with no moral foundations in them. In Pokemon, kids learn to poach rare and exotic animals and then use them to fight! Isn't that illegal in this country, minus Alabama? Dr. Slice, while it may have been linked to early onset diabetes in children, was maybe even worth the risk. Mix one up per my directions and you'll see what I mean. I guess as long as I can track down those maple leaf cookies, this will all be an easier pill to swallow...
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Friday, January 26, 2007
My Uncle Dominates!
Here is my big news out of San Diego... I obviously heard it through my aunt before it was released, but my uncle has been named the new offensive coordinator of the San Diego Chargers, a perennial AFC powerhouse. Prior to that, he had been a running backs coach for the Rams, Seahawks and Cowboys. He also coached extensively in the college ranks (including USC) before making the jump to the NFL.
One reason I am so impressed by Clarence is that he is a totally self-made man. Growing up with 11 siblings and living in a one or two bedroom apartment without a father, I cannot imagine how he made it to where he is today. It really speaks volumes about the power of positive thought and committment. After playing DI football at Houston and then getting drafted and subsequently injured in training camp, he decided to start coaching.
Here is the link at on ESPN Online: http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=2743571
Woop woop, go Chargers!
One reason I am so impressed by Clarence is that he is a totally self-made man. Growing up with 11 siblings and living in a one or two bedroom apartment without a father, I cannot imagine how he made it to where he is today. It really speaks volumes about the power of positive thought and committment. After playing DI football at Houston and then getting drafted and subsequently injured in training camp, he decided to start coaching.
Here is the link at on ESPN Online: http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=2743571
Woop woop, go Chargers!
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
Phrase Origins, Part 1 (*click here)
Ok, so Patty Mac gave me the sexy idea to discuss how certain phrases came to be. Of course, there are a shit ton of them used everyday that make absolutely zero sense, so this will be an ongoing dealy-o.
Today's phrase: "It's on the house!"
When taken in a literal sense, "it's on the house" is crazy. When someone says that to you, it sounds as though they are answering a question. The only thing is, no question was asked. Thus, the inventor of the term, we'll call him/her "Crazy Pills" McGee, probably had some issues.
After some intense and thorough research (by the by, thorough is a fun word to type), I've discovered the origin of this catchy and ever-so-trendy terminology. It begins in the Old country...
Back when global warming wasn't even a theory and Galileo was still a household word, people did not have a lot going on. TV didn't exist and even 8-tracks were a few hundred years off. To pass the time, people fought religious wars (unlike today, where we fight for oil and, uh, peace) and watched the fire burn. Sometimes, weird colors were seen like green or blue. Neat.
Anyway, men wore a mich higher percentage of checkered clothing. As sales were high, the merchants who sold these particular items had pretty cramped conditions because, as they were being good entrepreneurs, they produced as many wearables as they could manage. The wooden looms they all used became hot.
If, for some reason, a customer could not find the particular checkered color pattern or weave he desired, it was customary to give the person a discount. However, many ruffians and scoundrels (think Han Solo/ Lando Calrissian types) took advantage of this practice and lied to save money.
Savvy shop keeps were quick to store the items to be sold at a discount out of reach, therefore deterring the hooligans from running their profits into the ground. Here's a typical dialogue exchange:
Shop Keep Tom: Hello, sir! finding everything okay?
Old Country Lando: Erm, no way sir! I want something in a periwinkle with a gray-green blend, horizontal weave and I only wear alpaca and, um, rhinocerous.
Shop Keep Tom: Oh, I see. Ok, well you can have a 24% discount on anything in the section, um, on the house.
Old Country Lando: Say what? My gear is up on the rizzle (or "roof")? (Note: Ebonics are closely tied to late 18th century burgeoisie slang).
Shop Keep Tom: Yes, it's on the house my pizzle (or "pauperish man).
Now, as for how casinos came to be known as "the house" in certain games of chance, like poker or roulette, is the true mystery. Join me next time for "Phrase Origins, Part 2."
~MJH
And yes, this was a pretty bad post. I got kinda bored through the middle and then watching some American Idol with my dad. Man, more people need to be heavily medicated than I thought... why did I pass on psychiatry again?
Today's phrase: "It's on the house!"
When taken in a literal sense, "it's on the house" is crazy. When someone says that to you, it sounds as though they are answering a question. The only thing is, no question was asked. Thus, the inventor of the term, we'll call him/her "Crazy Pills" McGee, probably had some issues.
After some intense and thorough research (by the by, thorough is a fun word to type), I've discovered the origin of this catchy and ever-so-trendy terminology. It begins in the Old country...
Back when global warming wasn't even a theory and Galileo was still a household word, people did not have a lot going on. TV didn't exist and even 8-tracks were a few hundred years off. To pass the time, people fought religious wars (unlike today, where we fight for oil and, uh, peace) and watched the fire burn. Sometimes, weird colors were seen like green or blue. Neat.
Anyway, men wore a mich higher percentage of checkered clothing. As sales were high, the merchants who sold these particular items had pretty cramped conditions because, as they were being good entrepreneurs, they produced as many wearables as they could manage. The wooden looms they all used became hot.
If, for some reason, a customer could not find the particular checkered color pattern or weave he desired, it was customary to give the person a discount. However, many ruffians and scoundrels (think Han Solo/ Lando Calrissian types) took advantage of this practice and lied to save money.
Savvy shop keeps were quick to store the items to be sold at a discount out of reach, therefore deterring the hooligans from running their profits into the ground. Here's a typical dialogue exchange:
Shop Keep Tom: Hello, sir! finding everything okay?
Old Country Lando: Erm, no way sir! I want something in a periwinkle with a gray-green blend, horizontal weave and I only wear alpaca and, um, rhinocerous.
Shop Keep Tom: Oh, I see. Ok, well you can have a 24% discount on anything in the section, um, on the house.
Old Country Lando: Say what? My gear is up on the rizzle (or "roof")? (Note: Ebonics are closely tied to late 18th century burgeoisie slang).
Shop Keep Tom: Yes, it's on the house my pizzle (or "pauperish man).
Now, as for how casinos came to be known as "the house" in certain games of chance, like poker or roulette, is the true mystery. Join me next time for "Phrase Origins, Part 2."
~MJH
And yes, this was a pretty bad post. I got kinda bored through the middle and then watching some American Idol with my dad. Man, more people need to be heavily medicated than I thought... why did I pass on psychiatry again?
Monday, January 22, 2007
A Retrospective Of My Insanity (or Brilliance?)
The following letter was sent by me to Just Born Incorporated, makers of Mike and Ike candies (as well as Peeps, Zours and a few other things). It came up last Saturday in the late AM/early PM as a few friends and I were eating at Perkins.
Note: Scramblers are good and you get a lottery ticket-like item for buying one! I got an "MB," as did Edgar, but if we can get organized and form a group dedicated to completeing the word "SC-RA-MB-LE-R" or something... there is $25 GR in it for us. Also, Prom is excempt from joining because he resufed to buy one.
Anyway, here's the letter. Please keep in mind that they sent me a question-specific response package that contained a lot of free stuff. Just food (er, candy) for thought! Also, I guess I a't used the ampersand symbol (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ampersand), so that's awesome.
"To whom it may concern:
I am a college student at Saint John’s University in Collegeville, MN. Although I am a huge fan of most candied items, Just Born Inc. sits at the top of my list, as it has for some time. Going back through my earlier years, Mike and Ike candies have always been there to satisfy my sweet tooth. Movies, bus rides and driving to various vacation destinations with my family all have one commonality: I make sure that I have some Mike and Ike candy along. The value, taste, and flavors are all excellent. The addition of such flavors as Cherry Cola and the crème combinations were simply brilliant in my eyes. Hot Tamales are nearly a staple for my sister, and I, too, enjoy the cinnamon taste explosion found in every box of them!
I do have a few concerns with the direction I perceive the Just Born family to be taking the Mike and Ike franchise. First and foremost, I feel that several classic flavors have been wrongfully terminated. Lem and Mel and Cherry and Bub come to mind. Talking to a few friends, they remembered the aforementioned flavors and commented that they, too, missed them. I’m not familiar with the financial status of Just Born, but I feel that if flavors such as Buttered Popcorn can be added, the decadent combinations of lemon and melon as well as cherry and bubblegum should return to the line-up after spending so much undeserved time on the sidelines, if you will.
Reminiscing about Jolly Joes, I fondly recall how they were both united with Mike and Ike candies as well as apart from them. Primarily, I found it interesting that instead of the large Mike and Ike insignia, it said Jolly Joes with a smaller Mike and Ike below it, serving a secondary role. Jolly Joes deserve separate recognition, as they are the only candy in this genre to have a single flavor in a box (one may make the argument that Cherry Cola, for example, is a single flavor, but it is actually two: cherry and cola). On the new packaging of the candy, the jovial mascot one couples with Jolly Joes is nonexistent! This simply boggles my mind. From my viewpoint, it seems that the grape flavor is flourishing and should be given the status it deserves, the large Jolly Joe insignia written on the packaging and the return of Joe himself.
In regards to packaging, I was shocked to discover the implementation of plastic bags for the Mike and Ike candies at my local convenience mart. The classic look of boxed Mike and Ike flavors was a unique trademark held down by Just Born Inc. for as long as I can remember. The bags make the candy seem cheap and mass produced, stripping away the “hand-crafted” feel of the attractive looking boxes I have come to know, love, and expect from Just Born.
I wish to close with a quote I hope you will find pertinent to my comments regarding the flavor and box changes: "The most powerful weapon on earth is the human soul on fire." I feel that this quote by Field Marshal Ferdinand Foch has accurately depicted my sentiments to the changes I highlighted that Just Born Inc. has made over the last several years. Although I absolutely love the products that make up the Just Born family, I feel that “tough love” on my part may incite some change that will be for the better.
My absolute best regards,
Matthew J. Hoffman, Esquire"
~"Sparkle Sparkle" (my least common and least known nickname... I sense a strong positive correlation there. Someone run the numbers! But not Patrick, he already found me more information on owning and loving a monkey than everyone else put together!)
Anyway, here's the letter. Please keep in mind that they sent me a question-specific response package that contained a lot of free stuff. Just food (er, candy) for thought! Also, I guess I a't used the ampersand symbol (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ampersand), so that's awesome.
"To whom it may concern:
I am a college student at Saint John’s University in Collegeville, MN. Although I am a huge fan of most candied items, Just Born Inc. sits at the top of my list, as it has for some time. Going back through my earlier years, Mike and Ike candies have always been there to satisfy my sweet tooth. Movies, bus rides and driving to various vacation destinations with my family all have one commonality: I make sure that I have some Mike and Ike candy along. The value, taste, and flavors are all excellent. The addition of such flavors as Cherry Cola and the crème combinations were simply brilliant in my eyes. Hot Tamales are nearly a staple for my sister, and I, too, enjoy the cinnamon taste explosion found in every box of them!
I do have a few concerns with the direction I perceive the Just Born family to be taking the Mike and Ike franchise. First and foremost, I feel that several classic flavors have been wrongfully terminated. Lem and Mel and Cherry and Bub come to mind. Talking to a few friends, they remembered the aforementioned flavors and commented that they, too, missed them. I’m not familiar with the financial status of Just Born, but I feel that if flavors such as Buttered Popcorn can be added, the decadent combinations of lemon and melon as well as cherry and bubblegum should return to the line-up after spending so much undeserved time on the sidelines, if you will.
Reminiscing about Jolly Joes, I fondly recall how they were both united with Mike and Ike candies as well as apart from them. Primarily, I found it interesting that instead of the large Mike and Ike insignia, it said Jolly Joes with a smaller Mike and Ike below it, serving a secondary role. Jolly Joes deserve separate recognition, as they are the only candy in this genre to have a single flavor in a box (one may make the argument that Cherry Cola, for example, is a single flavor, but it is actually two: cherry and cola). On the new packaging of the candy, the jovial mascot one couples with Jolly Joes is nonexistent! This simply boggles my mind. From my viewpoint, it seems that the grape flavor is flourishing and should be given the status it deserves, the large Jolly Joe insignia written on the packaging and the return of Joe himself.
In regards to packaging, I was shocked to discover the implementation of plastic bags for the Mike and Ike candies at my local convenience mart. The classic look of boxed Mike and Ike flavors was a unique trademark held down by Just Born Inc. for as long as I can remember. The bags make the candy seem cheap and mass produced, stripping away the “hand-crafted” feel of the attractive looking boxes I have come to know, love, and expect from Just Born.
I wish to close with a quote I hope you will find pertinent to my comments regarding the flavor and box changes: "The most powerful weapon on earth is the human soul on fire." I feel that this quote by Field Marshal Ferdinand Foch has accurately depicted my sentiments to the changes I highlighted that Just Born Inc. has made over the last several years. Although I absolutely love the products that make up the Just Born family, I feel that “tough love” on my part may incite some change that will be for the better.
My absolute best regards,
Matthew J. Hoffman, Esquire"
~"Sparkle Sparkle" (my least common and least known nickname... I sense a strong positive correlation there. Someone run the numbers! But not Patrick, he already found me more information on owning and loving a monkey than everyone else put together!)
Sunday, January 21, 2007
Crazy? Yeah, crazy like a fox!
As an animal lover, I have spent a lot of time wondering what pet I should get once I move to Bloomington. Assuming I'm allowed to have any kind of pet I want, I have narrowed it down to three options that excite me to no end.
In no particular order:
1.) A senegal parrot named "Skibb," short for Skibbereen in County Cork, Ireland. Senegal parrots are little feathery balls of fun and were the original pirate parrots, hence making them sweet by definition.
2.) A cat named "Dodgy Pete II," although I'd probably drop the II because although there was an original D.P., he was only in my posession for around 48 hours and really did nothing great to earn himself such a fantastic name.
3.) A monkey named Capt. Fantastic OR Dr. Danger, and her first name would be Q. I say it would be a she because if anyone has ever watched the hit TV show "Friends," you may recall how Ross had to get rid of his spider monkey, Marcel, because it became too agressive and tried to mate with people's legs. I think there was a lot of biting, too.
I really feel that any of these options would be great, though schematically the monkey might have to be ruled out. Still, I'd like feedback. A monkey would be awesome because they can drink beer and smoke cigars. Also, she could wear power suits or something and even a headband... Wow, there are so many possibilities. Where can I procure a monkey, anyway? Someone do the necessary legwork and I'll follow through after I finish one or more of the following:
1.) My children's book.
2.) My Real World application video (note: need a haircut and more sex appeal, plus a newish digital camcorder to make the magic happen).
3.) Kick-off tour with my techno group, Survive Style 5, or else with my 2nd band side-project, sound/fury. Nick Savage is the /.
Goodnight and prepare for some big news coming out of San Diego, which as anyone who watches movies knows is German for "whale's vagina." And no, I can't make this stuff up.
~Matty "Styles" Spangler
In no particular order:
1.) A senegal parrot named "Skibb," short for Skibbereen in County Cork, Ireland. Senegal parrots are little feathery balls of fun and were the original pirate parrots, hence making them sweet by definition.
2.) A cat named "Dodgy Pete II," although I'd probably drop the II because although there was an original D.P., he was only in my posession for around 48 hours and really did nothing great to earn himself such a fantastic name.
3.) A monkey named Capt. Fantastic OR Dr. Danger, and her first name would be Q. I say it would be a she because if anyone has ever watched the hit TV show "Friends," you may recall how Ross had to get rid of his spider monkey, Marcel, because it became too agressive and tried to mate with people's legs. I think there was a lot of biting, too.
I really feel that any of these options would be great, though schematically the monkey might have to be ruled out. Still, I'd like feedback. A monkey would be awesome because they can drink beer and smoke cigars. Also, she could wear power suits or something and even a headband... Wow, there are so many possibilities. Where can I procure a monkey, anyway? Someone do the necessary legwork and I'll follow through after I finish one or more of the following:
1.) My children's book.
2.) My Real World application video (note: need a haircut and more sex appeal, plus a newish digital camcorder to make the magic happen).
3.) Kick-off tour with my techno group, Survive Style 5, or else with my 2nd band side-project, sound/fury. Nick Savage is the /.
Goodnight and prepare for some big news coming out of San Diego, which as anyone who watches movies knows is German for "whale's vagina." And no, I can't make this stuff up.
~Matty "Styles" Spangler
Thursday, January 18, 2007
A Prize for a Cereal Box of Acceptance-O's
When you think of a metalhead, tell me what comes to mind? Stone-washed jeans or a mullet, maybe a guy who's evolutionarily one step behind? Well, when Rob Halford (lead singer of Judas Priest) came out of the closet, it may not have been a big thing. But today, we're one step closer to hearing the metal dudes sing, "I wanna be, I wanna be a homosexual!"
Statistics say the chance of being gay is more than one in ten. That means that there's a 40%chance that one of the guys in Pantera likes men! So I think it's safe to say that many more metal guys are homosexual, though this may frustrate the gay community. Why would they want some ugly metalhead to be available?
See, I told you! Metal dudes are gay, too. And I haven't seen the proof so far that your sexuality determines the way you play guitar. I'd love for everyone in heavy metal to be homosexual, if only to make those Nazi fucking pricks in Slayer just a little more uncomfortable.
~Matt, as he drinks a 600 mL bottle of Harbin, a delicious Chinese lager beer.
Note: Content adapted from the song "Hats Off to Halford" by the one-man band Atom & His Package, though it reiterates the stance I've had in numerous conversations with Matt "Death Metal Or Die" Prom and Ali "Ozzy" O'Brom.
Statistics say the chance of being gay is more than one in ten. That means that there's a 40%chance that one of the guys in Pantera likes men! So I think it's safe to say that many more metal guys are homosexual, though this may frustrate the gay community. Why would they want some ugly metalhead to be available?
See, I told you! Metal dudes are gay, too. And I haven't seen the proof so far that your sexuality determines the way you play guitar. I'd love for everyone in heavy metal to be homosexual, if only to make those Nazi fucking pricks in Slayer just a little more uncomfortable.
~Matt, as he drinks a 600 mL bottle of Harbin, a delicious Chinese lager beer.
Note: Content adapted from the song "Hats Off to Halford" by the one-man band Atom & His Package, though it reiterates the stance I've had in numerous conversations with Matt "Death Metal Or Die" Prom and Ali "Ozzy" O'Brom.
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
Somalia is on the phone, do you accept the charges?!
My cousin from D.C. was in town over the weekend and while I was at the infamous Red Carpet with her and my sister, we met a guy from the Ivory Coast. He was cool and knew a lot about soccer. Also, he is not exactly relevant to my story though his huge bling was shaped like the continent of Africa and I correctly identified where the Cote d' Ivore (French spell check?) is located.
After trying super hard to get a cab post-Erbert's & Gerbert's action, we finally succeeded. Our driver was a Somalian guy. He was a nice and also talked soccer with me. He reminded me of the Somalians I used to talk to on a semi-regular basis over the past 18 months or so.
I got my first cell phone in late July '05 before my senior year at SJU started. I was finally cool (and that lasted until about 37 minutes later). Anyway, I started getting calls almost right away and the people would either speak in a language I didn't know (which is all of them except some English) or ask about the money I owed them. This did not bode well, as I was expecting to feel loved and embraced as a result of my new technology, not confused and harassed.
After awhile and a series of phone calls on my behalf, I found out that the number T-Mobile gave me had previously been that of an Ahmed Muhammed. Now, I can't say for certain, but besides owing money to companies based in Texas and So. Cal., he had a lot of Somalian friends in the Twin Cities and, yes, Somalia. I felt like he had a good thing going (though it killed my minutes, he may have had a sweet plan or some kind of calling card system).
At any rate, I learned that blindly answering calls in the 3-5AM range is, as a general rule, a bad move. Even though that wouldn't count as "peak time" for someone in the CMT, I think it did since I answered calls coming from Somalia, assuming I figured out the time difference correctly. That damn quadratic formula always gets me, though...
An example conversation:
Me: Uh, he-hello?
Somalian person: Hey, somthing something, word that sounds like "bacon," something something.
Me: No Ahmed, me sleepy!
Note: I don't now why I began to speak to them in broken English... or in a slower, louder way than normal but I did. It was our thing. And hey, maybe they were speaking to me slowly and louder than normal, too. Isn't that a univeral go-to move when someone can't understand what the hell you're saying to them?
You know, the little things you hate about your cell service are the same things you come to miss. I don't get any more random calls now, and while I guess I like a lot of things about Sprint, I just don't love them. Ya know? Oh well, time to listen to Duran Duran, The Cure, The Clash and Cheap Trick.
"Surrender" is STILL a mega hit, I don't care what the hell McCarty said... he was probably drunk!
~Matt
After trying super hard to get a cab post-Erbert's & Gerbert's action, we finally succeeded. Our driver was a Somalian guy. He was a nice and also talked soccer with me. He reminded me of the Somalians I used to talk to on a semi-regular basis over the past 18 months or so.
I got my first cell phone in late July '05 before my senior year at SJU started. I was finally cool (and that lasted until about 37 minutes later). Anyway, I started getting calls almost right away and the people would either speak in a language I didn't know (which is all of them except some English) or ask about the money I owed them. This did not bode well, as I was expecting to feel loved and embraced as a result of my new technology, not confused and harassed.
After awhile and a series of phone calls on my behalf, I found out that the number T-Mobile gave me had previously been that of an Ahmed Muhammed. Now, I can't say for certain, but besides owing money to companies based in Texas and So. Cal., he had a lot of Somalian friends in the Twin Cities and, yes, Somalia. I felt like he had a good thing going (though it killed my minutes, he may have had a sweet plan or some kind of calling card system).
At any rate, I learned that blindly answering calls in the 3-5AM range is, as a general rule, a bad move. Even though that wouldn't count as "peak time" for someone in the CMT, I think it did since I answered calls coming from Somalia, assuming I figured out the time difference correctly. That damn quadratic formula always gets me, though...
An example conversation:
Me: Uh, he-hello?
Somalian person: Hey, somthing something, word that sounds like "bacon," something something.
Me: No Ahmed, me sleepy!
Note: I don't now why I began to speak to them in broken English... or in a slower, louder way than normal but I did. It was our thing. And hey, maybe they were speaking to me slowly and louder than normal, too. Isn't that a univeral go-to move when someone can't understand what the hell you're saying to them?
You know, the little things you hate about your cell service are the same things you come to miss. I don't get any more random calls now, and while I guess I like a lot of things about Sprint, I just don't love them. Ya know? Oh well, time to listen to Duran Duran, The Cure, The Clash and Cheap Trick.
"Surrender" is STILL a mega hit, I don't care what the hell McCarty said... he was probably drunk!
~Matt
Monday, January 15, 2007
Time, Hootie & The Blowfish Style
In 58 minutes, it will be the one year anniversary of my mother's death. There was a time and place where I never thought even a week would separate me from that event, let alone a calendar year. Time is funny that way. A workday can seem like an eternity, yet an evening out mixing it up can feel as short as a commercial break (though thanks to Tivo, I am slowly forgetting the feeling).
I remember being completely numb and stuck. I liken it to having the same faculties as a baby yet being able to think hoe I do now. A capable mind that is just trapped inside a helpless shell. On the album "Deja Entendu" by Brand New, a certain song has lyrics that put my state of being at that horrible time in words too poetic to be my own:
"Every minute is a mile/ I've never felt so hollow/ I'm an old, abandoned church with broken pews and empty aisles"
I suppose no one ever does well to live in the past, but what else can one do when his memories of someone only exist in that place? Life is just so damn fleeting... maybe this is my 1/4 life crisis talking, but I already feel like I've wasted so much of it on trivial things.
In the end, all we have to show for our existence is the way we've affected and changed other people.
~Matt
And yes, smoking kills...
I remember being completely numb and stuck. I liken it to having the same faculties as a baby yet being able to think hoe I do now. A capable mind that is just trapped inside a helpless shell. On the album "Deja Entendu" by Brand New, a certain song has lyrics that put my state of being at that horrible time in words too poetic to be my own:
"Every minute is a mile/ I've never felt so hollow/ I'm an old, abandoned church with broken pews and empty aisles"
I suppose no one ever does well to live in the past, but what else can one do when his memories of someone only exist in that place? Life is just so damn fleeting... maybe this is my 1/4 life crisis talking, but I already feel like I've wasted so much of it on trivial things.
In the end, all we have to show for our existence is the way we've affected and changed other people.
~Matt
And yes, smoking kills...
Thursday, January 11, 2007
The City of Angels, Braille and Sealand: A Primer
The City of Angels!
Los Angeles, CA is a wonderul place. Besides smog that leaves a residue on your skin, they have a lot of sports teams in the area. The LA Dodgers may not be that good, but they are going to be bringing in tons of chunky fans this coming season as they have created a veranda in right field that, for $40, gives you admittance to the game and ALL YOU CAN EAT "Dodger Dogs" and peanuts as well as unlimited pop refills and even cotton candy, I think. Wow, just what Cleatus and Billy May need! Maybe the Twins should get something set-up where the whole shebang is blended and injected straight into one's veins. Seriously, people, if hearts could talk they'd swear like Scotsmen.
The LA Galaxy, an MLS (Major League Soccer) franchise, just signed England native and world soccer icon David Beckham to a $250 million, 5 year deal. This has been on the horizon for awhile and I suspected just such a move considering the MLS implemented a rule, called the "David Beckham Rule," where a team can sign a non-American player to a contract of an infinite amount that does not affect their salary cap. On a side note, he insured is right leg several years ago for something like $10 million dollars. Does this guy bathe in Irish cream liquor? Victoria Beckham should just change her name to Posh Spice, it is a lot more LA and would suit her well if she ever delved into the glamorous world of porn.
Braille!
Braille was devised in 1821 by Frenchman Louis Braille. Somehow, I see it everywhere and never know how blind people find it. Hotel room number signs in hallways always have braille, yet I don't think they are set to a standardized height and I've never seen a blind person groping a wall, trying to find out which room their frickin' key card won't open. Braille even exists on drive-thru ATMs, if you can believe it. If I ever see a guy taking his sweet time again, I'll assume he is legally blind and using the braille on the keypad to complete his transaction. Now, if he could just remember his PIN... Scary.
The next obvious step for braille: vending machines. Why should the blind be discriminated against when they are trying to choose a savory snack? There is no rhyme or reason to how items in those damn behemoths (that sometimes crush those of use who fight back against them) are arranged, and pushing the wrong number can lead to something shitty, like those licorice bags that have been there since 1988, instead of peanut M&M's or a Milky Way Bar w/ Almonds (sexy good!).
Sealand: A Primer!
Sealand was "founded" in 1967 by some angry British war veteran. Basically, the entire principality consists of two concrete towers that rise out of the ocean 6 miles off the coast of England. A bulding rests on top of them and it used to be an anti-aircraft site or something and was built for WWII. The guy just decided to move in one day. He's even had to fight off attacks and the like from countries trying to take him over (England and one other place, like Sweden I think). Anyway, this dude and his family might sell the place and it could be used for offshore gambling, banking or (suspense build up... now!) monkey knife fights. If the latter occurs, I'm so there. We can charter a boat if enough people show interest!
Here is a link to a photo: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:Sealand_fortress.jpg
I like that guy's style and think I'll try to pry some acreage in the Yukon away from Canada. There, I could make maple syrup, wear beaver skin boots and become a sudoku master. Or, I'd go crazy and kill myself... Or, more likely, I'd befriend the Yeti and learn his ways. Then, we'd start a lucrative business mining gems (which are semiprecious stones, of course). He'd be the muscle and I'd be the slick salesman who, after struggling for around 5 years, comes to blame the product and quits.
Go, Chargers!
~Matt Hoffman, the next Prince of Sealand (?). Alas, I would still need a damsel worthy of becoming my queen...
Edgar: Have fun in Puerto Rico, jerk. You never take me anywhere anymore, not since Jaime entered the scene. Conch shell it up!
Los Angeles, CA is a wonderul place. Besides smog that leaves a residue on your skin, they have a lot of sports teams in the area. The LA Dodgers may not be that good, but they are going to be bringing in tons of chunky fans this coming season as they have created a veranda in right field that, for $40, gives you admittance to the game and ALL YOU CAN EAT "Dodger Dogs" and peanuts as well as unlimited pop refills and even cotton candy, I think. Wow, just what Cleatus and Billy May need! Maybe the Twins should get something set-up where the whole shebang is blended and injected straight into one's veins. Seriously, people, if hearts could talk they'd swear like Scotsmen.
The LA Galaxy, an MLS (Major League Soccer) franchise, just signed England native and world soccer icon David Beckham to a $250 million, 5 year deal. This has been on the horizon for awhile and I suspected just such a move considering the MLS implemented a rule, called the "David Beckham Rule," where a team can sign a non-American player to a contract of an infinite amount that does not affect their salary cap. On a side note, he insured is right leg several years ago for something like $10 million dollars. Does this guy bathe in Irish cream liquor? Victoria Beckham should just change her name to Posh Spice, it is a lot more LA and would suit her well if she ever delved into the glamorous world of porn.
Braille!
Braille was devised in 1821 by Frenchman Louis Braille. Somehow, I see it everywhere and never know how blind people find it. Hotel room number signs in hallways always have braille, yet I don't think they are set to a standardized height and I've never seen a blind person groping a wall, trying to find out which room their frickin' key card won't open. Braille even exists on drive-thru ATMs, if you can believe it. If I ever see a guy taking his sweet time again, I'll assume he is legally blind and using the braille on the keypad to complete his transaction. Now, if he could just remember his PIN... Scary.
The next obvious step for braille: vending machines. Why should the blind be discriminated against when they are trying to choose a savory snack? There is no rhyme or reason to how items in those damn behemoths (that sometimes crush those of use who fight back against them) are arranged, and pushing the wrong number can lead to something shitty, like those licorice bags that have been there since 1988, instead of peanut M&M's or a Milky Way Bar w/ Almonds (sexy good!).
Sealand: A Primer!
Sealand was "founded" in 1967 by some angry British war veteran. Basically, the entire principality consists of two concrete towers that rise out of the ocean 6 miles off the coast of England. A bulding rests on top of them and it used to be an anti-aircraft site or something and was built for WWII. The guy just decided to move in one day. He's even had to fight off attacks and the like from countries trying to take him over (England and one other place, like Sweden I think). Anyway, this dude and his family might sell the place and it could be used for offshore gambling, banking or (suspense build up... now!) monkey knife fights. If the latter occurs, I'm so there. We can charter a boat if enough people show interest!
Here is a link to a photo: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:Sealand_fortress.jpg
I like that guy's style and think I'll try to pry some acreage in the Yukon away from Canada. There, I could make maple syrup, wear beaver skin boots and become a sudoku master. Or, I'd go crazy and kill myself... Or, more likely, I'd befriend the Yeti and learn his ways. Then, we'd start a lucrative business mining gems (which are semiprecious stones, of course). He'd be the muscle and I'd be the slick salesman who, after struggling for around 5 years, comes to blame the product and quits.
Go, Chargers!
~Matt Hoffman, the next Prince of Sealand (?). Alas, I would still need a damsel worthy of becoming my queen...
Edgar: Have fun in Puerto Rico, jerk. You never take me anywhere anymore, not since Jaime entered the scene. Conch shell it up!
Sunday, January 7, 2007
the devil and god are raging inside me
got home from florida around 10:30. heated some mac + cheese and watched 'the office' before finding a moive on the We network-- 'girl, interrupted.' it was good and i am at that particular level of tiredness where i know that i will faaalllllll fast asleep in about a minute. when i am this tired, i feel that i somehow gain a high level of clarity, however inexplicable that may be. winona ryder is in that movie and she writes a lot, especially towards the end. lots of lead (er graphite) was spilled on the road to becoming herself once more.
i like happy endings.
i got mail while i was away. a new, larger memory card for germany + prague and an album, a brand new album. by that, i mean an album by the band 'brand new' that, coincidentally, is not brand new but some kind of promo cd i bought online at a reduced rate. it is called 'the devil and god are raging inside me.' i am waiting to listen to it until i have some daylight, a fresh shower and some socks on. i think it will highlight the duality of being human, of the battle within us between sins and sainthood.
nothing we say will ever mean anything unless it meant something when we said it. brand new has a song on their sophomore release in which the lyrics read 'everyone who lives will someday die and die alone.' death is something we will all experience and cannot share with one another, just as we cannot compare levels of emotion.
i didn't make new year's resolutions when the clock counted down (actually, for me it was some band guy and i don't think he was very accurate). i have some now.
resolutions for 2007:
1. be more generous
2. deleted this one
3. take more pictures
4. take no experiences, opportunities or people for granted
happy new year. remember that life is just four letters combined in a particular way that have the potential to mean more than words can ever say.
~matt h.
i like happy endings.
i got mail while i was away. a new, larger memory card for germany + prague and an album, a brand new album. by that, i mean an album by the band 'brand new' that, coincidentally, is not brand new but some kind of promo cd i bought online at a reduced rate. it is called 'the devil and god are raging inside me.' i am waiting to listen to it until i have some daylight, a fresh shower and some socks on. i think it will highlight the duality of being human, of the battle within us between sins and sainthood.
nothing we say will ever mean anything unless it meant something when we said it. brand new has a song on their sophomore release in which the lyrics read 'everyone who lives will someday die and die alone.' death is something we will all experience and cannot share with one another, just as we cannot compare levels of emotion.
i didn't make new year's resolutions when the clock counted down (actually, for me it was some band guy and i don't think he was very accurate). i have some now.
resolutions for 2007:
1. be more generous
2. deleted this one
3. take more pictures
4. take no experiences, opportunities or people for granted
happy new year. remember that life is just four letters combined in a particular way that have the potential to mean more than words can ever say.
~matt h.
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