As I sit in the school library typing this when I neither have class nor any real reason to be here apart from my lack of internet at home, I can't help but wonder if I come across as a loser or not. If anyone knew I was here by sheer force of my will rather than for some other reason, they'd probably throw old vegetables at me (chiropractic students always have those floating around, you know-- mostly onions, though rutebagas and other obscurities of the vegetable world have made appreances at times.)
Rutabagas aside (I didn't know what they really looked like, wow that thing would take a head off if we were huge Lego-people with those semi-weak click-on heads! Of course, rutabaga attacks would be the least of our problems if we were indeed Lego-people. The list would probably start with something like:
1. Undermedicated OR undiagnosed giant-kids with ADHD [assuming we were our normal size but in Lego form] with penchants for giant-kid sized microwaves [or would they be macrowaves if a human-sized object could fit inside of it?].
2. Birds, but only because they can be kind of scary. Relatives of mine have a parrot and suffice it to say that the thing almost took my thumb off at the 1st knuckle [ie. the proximal metacarpal joint of the thumb], and all I was doing was trying to give it a 3-D Dorito. True story. Another true story is "The Neverending Story," as told by three weird and cool-ish movies.
3. Super glue. Imagine being stuck in one position for eternity just because chemical bonds that are too strong to be broken happen to be affixing your feet to some random object like a contact case or piano key [wow, two horrible examples... golf ball! Now I have 3 horrible examples, yes!].
So yes, rutabagas are probably on Bush's list of "ememies of the state that need to be dealth with" right after ducks (sea, land, air omnivores-- come on!) and the creators of LOST [that show is fuuuuuuuuucked up, but awesome. 4-toed statues just made my list of things to do today]. Alright, time to enclose what is perhaps the longest body of text ever enclosed by parentheses).
"Give me money for my thoughts or thoughts for my money, I could go either way at this point," said Matt aloud, though to no one in particular.
Marketing is the easiest thing in the world. Much like Tommy Boy's dad (R.I.P.), I could probably sell a ketch-up popsicle to a woman wearing white gloves in July. Except, I wouldn't even try selling a ketch-up popsicle because there is absolutely no market for such a thing! Idiots, I swear.
For example, I think most people in America if not Somalia and the rest of the first-world countries out there would be driving around in a Ford "Nintendo" if those ether-soaked hooligans up/over/down (depending on where you are while reading this) in Detroit had named the Ford Tempo the Ford Nintendo. Seriously, it could have a dashboard like an old school Nintendo controller, maybe a zapper gun that somehow applies ketch-up to things (ketch-up is pretty cool-- in Ireland they call it red sauce and unless you're a gorgeous blonde or a fairly aggressive guy with face tattoos they won't give it away for free or even make it readily availible, as per my experience in Corcaigh back in the mid-2000's).
Another miss-that-could-have-been-a-hit would have to be Jolly Joes. Those bastards (I wrote them a letter about it, they know I'm not a life-long enemy of the organization) down at the Just Born Co. took a delicious candy and gave it the worst name EVER... plus it is most likely responsible for the onset of my Type I diabetes. I mean, did any company out there who makes grape soda try selling it under the guise of a name that conjures up either
a.) Fat white dudes or
b.) Paedophilic fat white dudes?
No! I don't see Welch's scrambling to create a brand called "The Grapist" complete with a large, scantily-clad grape google-ing and myspace-ing men, women and even children on the label.
Another marketing idea I have is for a commercial. Basically, I am sick of all the crap they put on trying to sell one of life's basic necessities (along with sex, food and shelter as described by Maslow's "Hierarchy of Needs," look it up), that being BEER. Truer story than my last one. Anyway, find a random guy with non-symmetrical ears and a beard built for finals and maybe a clever, witty look about him who dresses like a trend-setter but who doesn't actually care about trends, setters or even socks that much, pay him $1 million upfront (hint not taken? I am available for this role) and have him say the following:
"Hey, what's up? This beer is pretty damn good, doesn't cost very much and is pretty easy to find. Plus, it'll get you buzzed, drunk, crunked, or any combination of the prior three words. Also, buying it will probably stimulate the economy, so really it pays for itself."
And to end the entry, here are the lyrics to the theme song from "The Neverending Story" (and on a side note I dunked one time during warm-ups to the New Found Glory cover of this song):
"Turn around, look at what you see
In her face, the mirror of your dreams
Make believe I'm everywhere, living in your eyes
Written on the pages is the answer to our neverending story
Reach the stars, fly a fantasy
Dream a dream, and what you see will be
Lives that keep their secrets will unfold behind the clouds
And there upon the rainbow is the answer to our neverending story
Show no fear, for she may fade away
In your hand, the birth of a new day
Lives that keep their secrets will unfold behind the clouds
And there upon the rainbow is the answer to our neverending story"
Good night, good luck and don't forget to support your local ska band, kids! For those of you who motivate me to write, thanks. For those of you who owe me money... make it happen, or it'll dislocate your sternum with a rutabaga (it could happen, except that I'm a pacifist and don't have any rutabagas because they are out of season).
Hmm, nothing like a rutabaga pie on a hot Christmas morning, am I right? Chase it with a beer and you've basically got every nutrient needed to live, even ethanol.
Prost, slainte, sloan, and my favorite-- "So long and thanks for all of the memories! Love, Julie Newmar"
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