Screw Jobs Defined

5 Ways People Get Totally Hosed V. 1.0

5. Being a non-identical twin who is more Danny DeVito, less Arnold Schwarzennagarasidprojkes (spell check, please?)

Why, you ask? This one is pretty straight forward if you've seen the movie "Twins." I mean, Danny is something pretty wonderful... for a short, chubby, foul-mouthed 4.6" guy, while Arnold was the man back then, before politics and a little lady called cheap wine entered into the equation. I guess success was like a drug for him... but what was more like a drug were the actual drugs.

4. Being born in Russia, the Middle East or Alabama.

Um, no explanation necessary.

3. Having one leg that is shorter than the other.

I suffer from this ailment and can attest to how horrible it is. Sure, simple shoe inserts can fix the problem, but what about my confidence and self-esteem?! I'm dyin' over here! I mean, isn't this blog just a scream for attention anyway?

2. Feeling pressure to attend St. Thomas... and then doing so.

Maybe a parent, grandparent or influential role model attend the school. Either way, the path to becoming a douche bag lies within those limestone walls and, um, other architectural stylings. Triple-popped collars, Skyy vodka malted beverages and the occasional frat boy-esqe "Holla!" are the underlyings demons that eat souls at that university.

1. Having a birthday adjacent to or on a major holiday, such as Christmas or Memorial Day.

Ok, so Christmas is a no-brainer, right?! I mean, how can a little boy/girl expect to compete with Jesus Christ (Superstar!) for attention, gift cards and a puppy? Any old, senile grandparent would be quick to point out to little Ja/Ali+son that Jesus died to erase our sins and might even say "What have you done for me, ya screw-up?! You can barely even find time to call, yet you think you're better than the Messiah, the Son of god, the Prince of freakin' Peace?! No gift certificate for you!"

As for Memorial Day, I'll explain. I was born May 30th as a happy-go-lucky Nerf ball of goodness. However, it happened to be Memorial Day observed. If I complained about poor turnout or lack of quality gifts, even total strangers would say "Did you die for your country, slacker?! Either pick up a gun and shoot a weapon of mass destruction in the face, or cram some of those week-old cake scraps into your pie hole and shutty!" Oh, how I have suffered...