The Thumb War

Today I realized that the thumb is perhaps the most under appreciated part of the human body. Think about it-- it is basically the unanimous all-star of hand appendages. So here I am, trying to help that little chunk of a thing make a name for itself. Here's a quick definition:

thumb n. The short thick digit of the human hand, next to the index finger and opposable to each of the other four digits.

Now, men will agree that there are specific parts of the female form we are pseudo-connoisseurs of. You've got yor "ass men," "breast men," "leg men," the ever-so-picky "I like girls men," etc. Women are a bit more discerning, yes, but they usually dig one of the following more than the others when it comes to potential dating partners: Personality, money, hair, um calves... I dunno, really. Snuffaluffagus?

Think hard and realize this: No one out there exists who is unto thumbs. No one freaking cares about the thumb and it sickens me!

To use a sports analogy, the thumb is the offensive line of your hand's football team. Sure, Mr. Pointer is the stud quarterback all the toes, ie. women, are interested in. The ring finger is like the running back, who also happens to score a lot of toes off the field if you follow. Even the kicker, the tiny yet surprisingly strong pinky, gets ladies because he is semi-Euro and rocks the faux hawk like a champ when he isn't wearing a helmet. Of course, the middle finger is a big play wide receiver and has no trouble seducing toes with his bling and whatnot.

Then, we have the thumb. Grinding it out day in and day out, protecting the stars and getting no love. WE'D BE LOWER THAN MONKEYS (evolutionarily speaking) IF WE DIDN'T HAVE IT! So start taking care of him/her, the hustle has been there since day one.

As far as names go, "thumb" sucks. It rhymes with dumb and not much else. How do you think it feels about that?! The pointer finger is powerful and can flick stuff, hard. The middle finger, when used properly, becomes "flipping the bird" or saying "fuck you, man" to that guy who takes too long getting ketchup at a fast food place.

The thumb is critical in giving a thumbs-up, down, and the so-so sideways motions. It also plays a huge role in "hang lose" and "a-ok," which were very popular hand gestures in the early '90s.

Of course, it could be worse... toes don't even have names aside from the generic "big toe" and "little toe." Maybe I should start getting something worked into the legislature deigned to modify current school curriculum...

~Matt

Also, I am looking into adopting a parrot. I'd love to find a Senegal, though conures are great and I known of an eclectus names Simon that could be a good buddy to have around. Of course, nothing can happen until I move. Stay tuned for updates and PLEASE watch the following movies in the following sequence: "Rushmore," "The Royal Tenenbaums," "The Life Aquatic."