Caveman vs. Lumberjack: FINAL Verdict (Side note: That'd be a cool movie title)

Ok, some of you may recall a certain webpage I was associated with back at SJU during my first two years of sublime magic that was college. I'd say still is, but I refuse to acknowledge that jerks like my brother are loving that particular life at this very moment. At any rate, we had one and only one poll question EVER during that two year span and it was as follows:

"Who would win in a fight, a caveman or a lumberjack?"

Essentially, and after much debate, it was decided that the lumberjack would have an axe or saw of somesort while the caveman would have a club (being one of the more intelligent pegs on the ladder climbing up to Homo sapiens).

Now, I was a staunch supporter of the caveman, particularly since I had watched a Discovery Channel show all about cave people and how frickin' hard their lives were. In one scene, it showed a new mother carrying her infant around by the leg, dangling it to and fro as she rummaged for berries or whatever they did back then. Zack Oschwald was there (meaning he was watching the show, not residing in Neolithic times).

Anyway, I want to lay this debate to rest once and for all. Think clearly, and you'll see the light.

Picture this epic duel, this showdown of titans, as a boxing match. In the red corner, wearing nothing but a loincloth fashioned from the skin of an animal he killed, it Ugluk the Impaler (he has a pointy stick). He is lean, short and angry because of all the caddle prodding he has received lately.

In the blue corner, we've got Pierre the Lumberman wearing his flannel shirt and rockin' a bushy-ass beard. He is straight (which might come up later, we'll see). His axe, although a little dull, can still cleave a mightly red oak if need be (it is about a 6.25 on a scale of 1-10, with 10 being a really nice axe with ivory inlays and some etching on the blade).

Ok, as they begin to fight, Ugluk knows how to stralk and kill prey, so he of course would jab his pointy stick at Pierre and scream things like "Oogachaka, oogachaka" and "Kelly Clarkson," if t.v. and David Hasselhoff are any indication of what cavemen like to proclaim during battle.

Pierre, on the other hand, would say things in French. Now, little Napoleon aside, the French aren't exactly known for how they roll in a fight but for croissants and other flaky pastries. Even a life of lugging wood wouldn't have Pierre as hard as Ugluk.

Also, Ugluk's theme song is "Tubthumpin'" by Chumbawunba, so his fans would be singing, "He gets knocked down, but he gets up again! You're never gonna keep him down!" Pierre's theme song would be that Celine Dion hit from Titanic which wouldn't be that relevant AND explains why he'd fire his manager after the 1st round. I always saw him as a Duran Duran fan, myself...

So, to conclude, Ugluk would probably have some quite savory recipies for human meat and everyone would get drunk... I mean, Boxing Day in Canada is probably the worst day to be sober ever. Peer pressure all around, along with another shot!

Sorry I didn't explain the actual fight, but I got bored. Also, mad props to those who reply to my stuff... the best response was "Keep rollin'" and I think it was from Ali, Muhammed Ali. And wow, he can read! That's great, he's getting better and is now able to recognize simple shapes and patterns.

Muhammed (freaking) Ali loves my work, and so should you.
~El Stylio

P.S. Tell your friends... And since that is a CD title from Taking Bakc Sunday, I should plug their new album "Louder Now," especially the song "MakeDamnSure" which you should acquire as soon as possible. It is a sexy bundle soundwaves, to be sure.