The City of Angels, Braille and Sealand: A Primer

The City of Angels!

Los Angeles, CA is a wonderul place. Besides smog that leaves a residue on your skin, they have a lot of sports teams in the area. The LA Dodgers may not be that good, but they are going to be bringing in tons of chunky fans this coming season as they have created a veranda in right field that, for $40, gives you admittance to the game and ALL YOU CAN EAT "Dodger Dogs" and peanuts as well as unlimited pop refills and even cotton candy, I think. Wow, just what Cleatus and Billy May need! Maybe the Twins should get something set-up where the whole shebang is blended and injected straight into one's veins. Seriously, people, if hearts could talk they'd swear like Scotsmen.

The LA Galaxy, an MLS (Major League Soccer) franchise, just signed England native and world soccer icon David Beckham to a $250 million, 5 year deal. This has been on the horizon for awhile and I suspected just such a move considering the MLS implemented a rule, called the "David Beckham Rule," where a team can sign a non-American player to a contract of an infinite amount that does not affect their salary cap. On a side note, he insured is right leg several years ago for something like $10 million dollars. Does this guy bathe in Irish cream liquor? Victoria Beckham should just change her name to Posh Spice, it is a lot more LA and would suit her well if she ever delved into the glamorous world of porn.

Braille!

Braille was devised in 1821 by Frenchman Louis Braille. Somehow, I see it everywhere and never know how blind people find it. Hotel room number signs in hallways always have braille, yet I don't think they are set to a standardized height and I've never seen a blind person groping a wall, trying to find out which room their frickin' key card won't open. Braille even exists on drive-thru ATMs, if you can believe it. If I ever see a guy taking his sweet time again, I'll assume he is legally blind and using the braille on the keypad to complete his transaction. Now, if he could just remember his PIN... Scary.

The next obvious step for braille: vending machines. Why should the blind be discriminated against when they are trying to choose a savory snack? There is no rhyme or reason to how items in those damn behemoths (that sometimes crush those of use who fight back against them) are arranged, and pushing the wrong number can lead to something shitty, like those licorice bags that have been there since 1988, instead of peanut M&M's or a Milky Way Bar w/ Almonds (sexy good!).

Sealand: A Primer!

Sealand was "founded" in 1967 by some angry British war veteran. Basically, the entire principality consists of two concrete towers that rise out of the ocean 6 miles off the coast of England. A bulding rests on top of them and it used to be an anti-aircraft site or something and was built for WWII. The guy just decided to move in one day. He's even had to fight off attacks and the like from countries trying to take him over (England and one other place, like Sweden I think). Anyway, this dude and his family might sell the place and it could be used for offshore gambling, banking or (suspense build up... now!) monkey knife fights. If the latter occurs, I'm so there. We can charter a boat if enough people show interest!

Here is a link to a photo: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:Sealand_fortress.jpg

I like that guy's style and think I'll try to pry some acreage in the Yukon away from Canada. There, I could make maple syrup, wear beaver skin boots and become a sudoku master. Or, I'd go crazy and kill myself... Or, more likely, I'd befriend the Yeti and learn his ways. Then, we'd start a lucrative business mining gems (which are semiprecious stones, of course). He'd be the muscle and I'd be the slick salesman who, after struggling for around 5 years, comes to blame the product and quits.

Go, Chargers!
~Matt Hoffman, the next Prince of Sealand (?). Alas, I would still need a damsel worthy of becoming my queen...

Edgar: Have fun in Puerto Rico, jerk. You never take me anywhere anymore, not since Jaime entered the scene. Conch shell it up!